January 22, 2010 - Power

Today's card is Power. And instead of having to search all over the Internet, I have my new Trusty Epson scanner, and I have a better picture of the card.

So what does Power mean to me for the day? First of all however, what did the Queen of Swords mean yesterday? As far as I could tell, think it was just for me to be clear and get things done.

Note I have gotten the power card before! Not sure when, but it's back there. It is the four of disks. It is about POWER WITHIN MYSELF. I like that. Integrity. Strength of Character. Believe in myself. THis is a call today to power and an opportunity to take charge and make a difference in the world.

Today I will serve with integrity, and use my power for good, and bring that energy into every day living and work and love!

January 21st, Thursday 2010

Hello! Today I pulled the Queen of Swords, the second most powerful queen in the deck, and a libra sign. I guess Libra is my opposite as an Aries, but it is about cutting away the crap and getting things done with assertion. That the path of structure can lead to ease of mind. Start new things. It is a good 7 number, which is my Soul number and my path number.

Think about the freedom that comes from independence. The queen of swords is an independant gal! Think about when you were oppressed, and came out of it. Or had a toothache, and it went away. The queen of swords is the toothache gone away, it's rising out of the clouds, and seeing clearly.

So I meditated on this card, to ask myself and my guides and my angels and my Heavenly Father what it meant for me today? It's okay if it manifests later, but you can get right into it with your Angels and ask them the meaning of stuff right now. They may unfold it in time, but they more likely will start giving you answers right now because you are open and ready by the VERY ACT OF ASKING, which shows your faith. This morning I didn't get necessarily an answer yet.

Is the card someone I'm going to meet? Or is it me? Remember, I've taught you this before, but the Court Cards are often people in our lives. But they can be us. Or... check this out, it could be something totally different. A total different aspect of the card. I see this naked chick on a throne in the clouds. She's a ruler. She's just cut some guys head off and is laid back with a great green star behind her, that looks like it is made of glass. She's all laid back about things, look at her! She just cut someone's head off, or she's carrying the head with her for no reason, and she still holds it. She's a powerful woman. She's the Goddess Cali. She's for standing up and saying, no, that's bullshit. Bam. Off with your head. Maybe it's Jennie today, who on Thursdays tends to get more tired and cranky and tonight will have a Cali moment, but that wouldn't fit because mostly she has breakdown moments, and you see Cali here and she's not breaking down, she's just had enough! Hm... well we shall see won't we?

The passage through Sorrow and Failure, heavily laden cards with thoughts, trying to feel through them emerges into the Queen of Swords which cuts through the bullshit and rises above, sees clearly, comes at things from a different perspective and is ready to go forward. Sounds like this is a natural progression.

Love you Angels, Guides, and my Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit! The gifts are awesome! Thank YOU! More please. The more I know you the more I am close to you, the more I am growing. Again, thanks! For the tests too! They sometimes suck, I have to be honest. But thanks for everything. God bless you too!

Jennie pulled the Aeon.

January 20th, Wednesday, 2010

FAILURE - 7 of Disks

Good morning! Remember Neutral Mind? I woke to a NON neutral feeling of anger toward my son Riley. While I think Riley certainly pushes my buttons once in a while, I was definitely OUT of neutral mind this morning. Hell, I still fucking am. Thoughts of taking him out up on the hill and boxing him with gloves on have come to me. Taking his phone. Packing his bags. All thoughts coming from some need to be the 'dominant' male in the system. He is a young boy asserting his independence, and yet his disrespect of me when it occurs is 100% intolerable.

I think. This morning's failure card tells me to be careful. Let's go read about it and think and feel INTO the card, from a SPIRITUAL point.

Failure is the Seven of Disks, a Saturn Taurus card, with the Angel of Failure. The first line is that if I try real hard, I can make this experience a real struggle. Note that I have to try to make it a struggle. That is a choice I make, with my mind, is it not? Less mind Jason! Less mind and more SPIRIT. I can restrict myself right into an impossible corner. I could easily do that with Riley.

There is also the question here that life can be much easier, you just have to let it. Change the plane of your thinking. And I think I can do that. I need my spirit and body and all that FLOW to follow. Life CAN AND WILL get easier. I can feel that flow. So I jump into this fabulous delicious river.

Last night in our Meditation, Jennie and I heard a card about failure. I think it was the Fortune Card. But as children we tried all sorts of new things. We did it for fun. We failed a lot, but we kept going, because it was like a game. Well as we get to be adults, it sometimes gets so heavy and serious. She suggests in the meditation that we take the time to shift our consciousness when trying new things, and treat it like a game as a kid. Thus the fear of failure is gone.

Why do we have a fear of failure? It seems to be some artifact of evolution designed to protect us. Such as if you put your hand on the fire, you will get burned. You have learned something, so the memory of hot things is imbedded so as to protect you from further harm. When failing at things we sometimes get hurt. Exagerated hurt, or even real hurt. And so we have this inborn human conditional pretense of protection. Don't do this, don't do that, because it will hurt you.

It's the ego protecting us, which is great! It is good at that. But our SPIRIT is more than our Ego. Our Ego fights us not because it's crazy, but because it is SUPPOSE TO. It is there to protect us. Without a healthy ego we would be listless and most likely dangerous to ourselves and others.

When contemplating the Failure card we are contemplating the concept of trying and trying and keep trying. There IS an easier way, you can let it happen. You don't have to struggle. But it takes faith to do it. I believe Krysta, a psychic we saw recently, suggested this was the Indiana Jones Card, the walk of Faith, from the third movie. It takes faith, and you just go. You let go of your MIND. Sometimes you say to the EGO, TRUST ME. It will be okay. Failure if it occurs is NOT burning my hand. It is simply a lesson. Try this. Try that.

Think about it as a game. Or at a buffett. Try this food. Nah don't like it. So you tried the wrong food. Do you feel stupid? Sadly I do no some level, which means my Ego is too strong and my fear of failure too deep. This is the illusion again of the Mind creation Emotions, from the Sorrow Card of yesterday.

My prayer for the day: May God bless my son Riley with compassion and humility, may he bless me with faith to try and try and try and remember it's all a game and that failure is a fun thing just a part of the path, may God help my memory and cognitive thinking functions, and may God fill those I love and care for with an umbrella of protection. May the easier part of the path show up today, and may I receive it, from God himself, in love, and learning, and service and hope and charity, and reception of all that is good and happy. I receive. I believe. May God Bless you with all that your heart desires that is right in the universe. Let the love flow. Let the sight become keener. Let the Angels be heard. Amen.

January 19th, 2010

SORROW

Today was the sorrow card. Meditate on the concept of sorrow. Without learning what the card actually means, consider sorrow. It is not sadness. It is something totally different. Just as letting out of the air in your soul, a emptying feeling. What is Sorrow? Is it sadness for something you have done?

The Sorrow card is guided by Saturn, and is a Libra card. It says: "When we struggle with the belief that life is not fair or just this causes sorrow within."

So do I feel that life is not fair? I have certainly felt that way before. And I'm sure there are a lot of people who feel life is not just. That is a universal feeling isn't it? That sorrow (or sometimes even ANGER) when life is not fair (we can blame God) or when there is injustice. That really gets us going when someone deserves something and doesn't get it. That's an immediate feeling up inside us, whether it happens to us or someone else.

Sadness and Sorrow are MENTAL conditions, not emotional ones. This brings to mind the idea that all emotions had their seed in a thought or stimulus. You simply don't just feel an emotion. Something triggers it. Pathways. All the Charmaine stuff. Self doubt is an internal dialog of the mind.

I had a chat with my friend Ben Larsen today, who has had some difficulties with his wife. Could this be it? Could Ben be feeling SORROW, that life is unfair? I know when I was having problems with Samantha, I often felt it was just unfair that I had to go through it. That it was unjust. I didn't deserve it. Am I tapping into Ben's feelings? Depression and Sorrow come when a Mind is unable to let go of an event or perspective. With this card... the Tarot is telling you to let your mind out of the destructive loop it is in. That could definitely be Ben, but let's not be obtuse. Could it be me?

Of course it could be! So what destructive loop might I be in? How can I choose to cultivate joy? When Sorrow comes into my mind, can I acknowledge it and CHOOSE a more pleasant thought?

The very core of this card is the concept that our thoughts control our emotions. What am I thinking when I'm feeling down? What am I thinking right now? I just thought the words, "I am happy." Did it work? Did I feel happy? Sure. "I am peace." "I am joy." "I am safe." "I am faithful." I am faith. Hope. Love. Charity. In the name of Jesus Christ! In the name of GOD. I choose to think good thoughts. That's it. Just choose to THINK GOOD THOUGHTS.

Am I strong enough to allow the sorry to move through me? Am I prepared to be transformed into a more positive energy? YES! Am I afraid of my inner pain! Sometimes, yes. Am I afraid to be alone? Yes and No. Am I afraid there is no one out there for me. No. Am I afraid I will never stop crying? No. Am I afraid to admit where I have sorrow for fear no one will love me? No.

THINK. COGNITIVE BEHAVIOR.

Thoughts control your emotions. Feel into that. THINK into that. And yet we are more than our feelings, more than our thoughts, more than our emotions.

Jason

PS - Channeling class was awesome. Tiring, but good. It opened me up and tired me out. We need to go on a retreat somewhere. I'm going to go look up David Deida's website and see if he's speaking anywhere in the world soon.

Card For the Day and Channelling

Today Card was... (oh wait... you are asking, where the hell have you been? Yes I know. I haven't written in a while. I know, that is turdish of me, but I'm back. See! Right here! This is proof I'm back, you are reading my words! So... without further ado, let me tell you the card for the day...

THE QUEEN OF CUPS!

Shall we see a picture of here?

Let's do that!



So tell me about the Queen of Cups! Okay, she is the watery aspect of water. She is a Scorpio, which at this point in time I know almost nothing about. She is the Angel of Vision and Prophecy. Do you know why this is cool? Because Suzanne Wagner had a class today on Channelling! And this getting in touch with the flow of God and Angels so they can talk to you so you can help others. Well... Suzanne is a great teacher, with lots of enthusiasm, and yes she has a website (who the fuck doesn't these days?) so go there and check it out. The link above should suffice, but if it doesn't, here is her address: http://www.suzwagner.com/

So can you see the synergy of getting the Queen of Cups, a card about deep waters and prophecy, right before I take a class about deep waters and prophecy? It's cool. There is more I could say about the card, but Jennie wants to watch a football game, and I can't blame here. BTW... speaking or DEEP FUCKING WATERS, guess what? Jennie FINALLY has a blog! YES. Not just a joke blog, but a real one. Go read her first entry! It's a great one, and tells you more about Channeling than I did. Here it is: DEEP WATERS. And if the link doesn't work, you can just copy and paste this into your browser. Or just type it in yourself. I'm sure you will eventually find a way to read what she's saying! Anyway, tomorrow is another class and another card! God bless you all!

http://adayinthelifeofdeepwaters.blogspot.com/

January 4th 2009 - Prince of Wands

Today we pulled the Prince of Wands! A fiery guy on a chariot with a huge headdress, with a lion pulling him! He is the Angel of Optimism and Adventure! This card shows up for people in love. It is idealistic love. It is a time when you think the other person is perfect in every way. It is a temporary thing. Optimism and idealism are good to start with, but they won't take you all the way. Maybe I can apply this to work, where things have been good, but will need more work. Or to Jennie and I, though I think we are past that new in love everything is rosy stage. This card represents that spark of enthusiasm.

I should ask myself today, if I meet a person like this. Or do I have an idea like this? I'm thinking of Parker, and he's so excited to start Nascrag and do this. I wonder if his enthusiasm will continue throughout or fade.

I like this card, because this person believes in the best, and goes forward. Optimism. I'm optimistic. :) I don't know what more to say. I will meditate on this card today.

Tuesday, December 1st 2009

Good morning! Well today Suzanne Wagner sent out her December Intuitive patterns email, and there was a line in it that caught my attention:

"It is only by letting go of what we think we know and allow ourselves to journey into unknown areas and adventures that we begin to feel fully alive."

Letting go....

"This same energy can cause you to become obsessive over romantic relationships and it is important to find ways to stay balanced and to not pine for the past situations."

This is important for me, because I have a tendancy to look BACK at the way things were, and want those again. But as Jennie said a few weeks ago it's about moving forward into something new. But I think the message here is that because all this new energy for December is here and coming, I might want to use it to try and RETURN to the past, instead of MOVE into the journey of the forward. This is worth meditating about.

Last night I had a dream, and in the dream I was depressed. Now I have felt depressed before. The heavy feeling that just damn near stops you dead in your tracks. It really sucks. I REALL sucks. And in this dream I felt it again, I was aware of it. I woke feeling TERRIBLE. I mean, I had a terrible feeling echo in me. Fear too. I HATED feeling depressed, because it is not me. That's the truth about all depressed people. It's NOT their true self. It's this blanket of fear and scary and sad and can't work. I hate that feeling.

Anyway, as I get some space from the dream I feel better but I think I take with me a GRATITUDE for feeling good. Remember what Thich Nhat Hahn says: Be grateful you don't have a toothache. How often do you sit and take a deep breath and express gratitude for not being depressed? When you have a tooth ache, all other things become secondary. But when it's gone, you forget to be grateful. That is what depression is. It's a reminder of gratitude. When it finally lifts, you feel SO MUCH BETTER, and you are so happy it's gone, and just filled with gratitude. But do you feel that way two years later? If you don't, then you need to have a dream where you are depressed, to wake you up into gratitude!

"If you can open and let go of the pattern that has allowed you to stay stuck you have the opportunity to find a valuable and balanced relationship."

This seems to be a good comment about Jennie and I my relationship. It's not just our relationship. It's all this change around us, and yet we seem 'stuck'. Not just us, but individually, as well as collectively.

"Think of your life like a dance that flows in directions that allow you to connect to a higher level and deeper emotions."

And this is the thing I seem to be intuitively seeking. I seek a deeper emotion and love with Jennie and my world, I seek a higher level of being and strength and love with her. And my heart is flowing with love and magic. I'm not content with being stuck. (Which is good.). But I should be GRATEFUL for the good we have, and LOOK FORWARD to even better and deeper magic. My intuition is right. We are stuck, but the answer is twofold: Be grateful, and look forward.

"True love deepens over time and allows the truth of each person to be expressed. Love is not constricting and limiting. Love is supposed to be generous and supportive."

Deepens... I need my love to deepen...

"True love is willing to move moment by moment with all the changing flows."

This is where we have gone off if you ask me. In fact my intuitive self has been screaming about this for 2 years. The flow of right action is where the joy and peace and happiness and adventure in our relationship was. Once we inhibited that flow (and we did) it's been a struggle. Every day is a STRUGGLE. It doesn't have to be a struggle if you are in the flow! That's the whole magic of it. When you say okay, and get into the boat, the river takes you where you need to go, and as long as you don't fight against the current, you are okay. There is a difference between working hard to obtain what you want, and STRUGGLING against the current. The struggle wears you out and stresses you out. True love... deepens with courage into the flow. That is the magic. Not looking back... but looking forward. Get into the boat, and relax, and see where it takes us.

"So this month take a look at what you are committed to? Are you committed to love, being right, oppressing others out of fear, or to the truth as you see it?"

Committed to LOVE! Not being right! I don't need to be right. I certainly don't want to oppress others out of fear. Or MY truth. Just love. :)

"Just because something is true from your experience does not mean it is true to others from their own experiences. You cannot give anyone your experiences or reference points, no matter how hard we try. If you try to impose what is right for you on others you create disappointment, isolation, and impasses."

This is something to remember. I can express my feelings and so forth, but in the end you can't give anyone your experiences. They just can't have yours. They have theirs. Not yours.

"we are all united in a goal of peace, prosperity, love, and appreciation of each other's gifts and abilities. Hold on to the truth of your heart and love. Know that by letting go of our personal history and stories you uncover ways that you could not see when you were egoically needing to be right. The winter is a time of sharing and coming together with loved ones. Appreciate the huge effort everyone is making during this holiday season and open your heart to a new place of generosity and grace."

So true. Let go of the restrictions, and just open up to the peace that is right there in front of you, get on the river and go for the adventure.

I was reading David Deida's Intimate Communion, and it's got some great thoughts. But one of them is echoed a bit here by Suzanne. Letting go of our personal history... Deida says pretty much the same thing. He says people get too worried about their old wounds from childhood. Everyone was wounded back then. The key to the cure is to move FORWARD. To open up to LOVE and go into Intimate Communion with someone. Take a relationship to level three. Begin that process. Instead of trying to heal the past, you heal the PRESENT BY LOVING. I thought that was profound.

Next Suzanne asks us to find a way to serve people this Christmas, and I think that's a good idea. Sometimes I go down to the homesless shelter and feed the homeless, but lately that seems off. I don't know why.

When I was a kid, maybe 18-20 years old, my friend David Smith was trying to get me to be a Mormon. He told be about the law of tithing, 10%. Well later on, I was reading another book on life by Og Mandino and he suggested tithing 10% as well, and then I read another book that mentioned the same thing. So I took my paycheck one day, and went downtown to Salt Lake City. And I took 10% out of it. And I went around to the homeless people hanging out on the street, and I asked them why they wanted money. To get food they said. So... I took orders. Really. I took orders and went to McDonalds and spent my 10% this way. I took orders and bought everyone dinner or lunch, whatever it was.

(Reflecting back on me doing this, I'm kind of amazed. Weird thing for a young kid to do).

Anyway, that's the kind of energy I'm seeking now. Service. Not just going to a preset up feed the homeless thing. I don't really feed them. I just ladel soup into a bucket. That's service of a type, but I think I'm reaching into something different. I just need to find it.

"I notice for myself that when I get scared or find myself moving into feelings of lack, all I have to do is do something for someone else. That immediately pulls me out of my personal drama. By becoming present with others I can instantly feel the huge gifts and support that I have from the universe."

I hear this all the time, and it's so true. It's weird when someone gives you love openly, just all their heart, you feel it so much, and when you give back, it takes you out of yourself. It's hard sometimes when you are depressed and stuck and stubborn. But it's good to force yourself to do it.

"In Buddhism there are two forms of merits. Merits are the plus points that you have earned from other lifetimes that support you in this life. Some call it luck. Some see it as opportunities that magically appear just when you really need them. They say you only take your good deeds and love with you when you die. That is a great incentive for me to remember to love others as fully, deeply, and openly as is appropriate for each situation and circumstance. It also reminds me that good deeds the come from my heart will accumulate in other times and show up when I need them the most. So every place I can be supportive to those suffering, I am also magically giving myself that same gift at a later time."

That's an interesting point, because as I was writing to you about my feeding the homeless from McDonalds in my youth I said to myself, what good did that do? What good did it do ME? Because I've just had such a shitload of bad luck in my life. A buckload of good luck too. That is interesting, the thought being that the only thing you can take with you is love and good deeds.

God, I'm getting tired of worrying about minor details and bullshit stuff. I seek love, and deeper love. It's what I'm being called to. I just don't know what to do about it at the moment.

Suzanne goes on about gaining abundance, and then KEEPING it. Gaining it is the easier of the two. But keeping it is harder.

So the two types of merits are: 1. Abundance merits. 2. Ability to hold on to the abundance merits.

The first one is easier to acquire. It is a merit that allows you to manifest money, wealth, opportunity, dreams, businesses, and the completion of projects and goals.

I think I have a pretty good ability to do this. But it's the second part that seems to elude me, in particular with my relationship with Jennie. As I hunger for the deep flow, I found her, but after an initial time in the flow, we got out. What's THAT about? I don't have time to dilly dally on the side of the river! I want to KEEP what I have gotten and let go and move forward. Does that make sense? Life is about working hard in the flow. Not standing on the bank fighting to get back into the flow. That's such a waste of time. The adventure is ahead, just do it already Jason!

Suzanne continues: But the second one is much more difficult to acquire and to hold on to. This one requires you to believe in yourself enough to know that you can manifest but that you also deserve and have earned to feel the abundance. Not just to give it all away but also to know that you can create safety and security for yourself and your family because you are love and you are worthy of the infinite gifts that the universe is offering to everyone all the time. It is our unworthiness that prevents us from fully enjoying our self, our life, and our abundance.

To feel that you DESERVE to have all the joy, passion, sex, adventure and love in your life. Wow. Of COURSE I deserve it. But is there not an insidious little part of me that thinks I don't? Of course. There is that part in everyone. To not just be able to serve and give, but to RECEIVE FULLY. IS there a block in me that stops me from receiving full love?

Think about it. Do I want a sexless, no affection, relationship? Nope. Not at all. I don't want it. But what part of me is not receiving that. After such abundance with Jennie, to go to being so stuck seems so deeply stupid and useless. I mean, Jennie and I had this great magic. She showered me with level three love, abundance, openness. Everything I have ever wanted, I sought for, and the universe had been trying to give to me. BAM. There it was. So why didn't we hold onto it? And YES, I'm aware that we need to MOVE FORWARD, and not get caught in the past, but I'm not talking about the past moment, but the past as BEING IN THE FLOW. That we need to return to and we just got out of the flow. Why did we do that? What part of me didn't feel worthy of the infinite gift of the universe? I mean, the universe wants me to have infinite love and the best relationship in the world. Here it is. The best. It's right here. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT NOW.

Why aren't we doing it? It doesn't make sense. It's time to jump back in the river of life!

"So this December, give of your heart and soul. Feel yourself manifesting merits for your future by openly and honestly giving your gifts. In doing that know that you are safe, supported, protected, and worthy of great things. Then allow the giving of your essence to breath life back into your being."

Give of your heart and soul. That's a great place to start.

So after all that you are thinking I'm done, right? Please be fucking done, I don't want to read anymore of this STUFF! But I aint done. No way. I need to pull a card for the day!

So what card did I pull? Of course! The Satiety Card!!!!!!! Have it all Jason! Gratitude, love, giving, and RECEIVING!!!!!!