Tuesday, December 1st 2009

Good morning! Well today Suzanne Wagner sent out her December Intuitive patterns email, and there was a line in it that caught my attention:

"It is only by letting go of what we think we know and allow ourselves to journey into unknown areas and adventures that we begin to feel fully alive."

Letting go....

"This same energy can cause you to become obsessive over romantic relationships and it is important to find ways to stay balanced and to not pine for the past situations."

This is important for me, because I have a tendancy to look BACK at the way things were, and want those again. But as Jennie said a few weeks ago it's about moving forward into something new. But I think the message here is that because all this new energy for December is here and coming, I might want to use it to try and RETURN to the past, instead of MOVE into the journey of the forward. This is worth meditating about.

Last night I had a dream, and in the dream I was depressed. Now I have felt depressed before. The heavy feeling that just damn near stops you dead in your tracks. It really sucks. I REALL sucks. And in this dream I felt it again, I was aware of it. I woke feeling TERRIBLE. I mean, I had a terrible feeling echo in me. Fear too. I HATED feeling depressed, because it is not me. That's the truth about all depressed people. It's NOT their true self. It's this blanket of fear and scary and sad and can't work. I hate that feeling.

Anyway, as I get some space from the dream I feel better but I think I take with me a GRATITUDE for feeling good. Remember what Thich Nhat Hahn says: Be grateful you don't have a toothache. How often do you sit and take a deep breath and express gratitude for not being depressed? When you have a tooth ache, all other things become secondary. But when it's gone, you forget to be grateful. That is what depression is. It's a reminder of gratitude. When it finally lifts, you feel SO MUCH BETTER, and you are so happy it's gone, and just filled with gratitude. But do you feel that way two years later? If you don't, then you need to have a dream where you are depressed, to wake you up into gratitude!

"If you can open and let go of the pattern that has allowed you to stay stuck you have the opportunity to find a valuable and balanced relationship."

This seems to be a good comment about Jennie and I my relationship. It's not just our relationship. It's all this change around us, and yet we seem 'stuck'. Not just us, but individually, as well as collectively.

"Think of your life like a dance that flows in directions that allow you to connect to a higher level and deeper emotions."

And this is the thing I seem to be intuitively seeking. I seek a deeper emotion and love with Jennie and my world, I seek a higher level of being and strength and love with her. And my heart is flowing with love and magic. I'm not content with being stuck. (Which is good.). But I should be GRATEFUL for the good we have, and LOOK FORWARD to even better and deeper magic. My intuition is right. We are stuck, but the answer is twofold: Be grateful, and look forward.

"True love deepens over time and allows the truth of each person to be expressed. Love is not constricting and limiting. Love is supposed to be generous and supportive."

Deepens... I need my love to deepen...

"True love is willing to move moment by moment with all the changing flows."

This is where we have gone off if you ask me. In fact my intuitive self has been screaming about this for 2 years. The flow of right action is where the joy and peace and happiness and adventure in our relationship was. Once we inhibited that flow (and we did) it's been a struggle. Every day is a STRUGGLE. It doesn't have to be a struggle if you are in the flow! That's the whole magic of it. When you say okay, and get into the boat, the river takes you where you need to go, and as long as you don't fight against the current, you are okay. There is a difference between working hard to obtain what you want, and STRUGGLING against the current. The struggle wears you out and stresses you out. True love... deepens with courage into the flow. That is the magic. Not looking back... but looking forward. Get into the boat, and relax, and see where it takes us.

"So this month take a look at what you are committed to? Are you committed to love, being right, oppressing others out of fear, or to the truth as you see it?"

Committed to LOVE! Not being right! I don't need to be right. I certainly don't want to oppress others out of fear. Or MY truth. Just love. :)

"Just because something is true from your experience does not mean it is true to others from their own experiences. You cannot give anyone your experiences or reference points, no matter how hard we try. If you try to impose what is right for you on others you create disappointment, isolation, and impasses."

This is something to remember. I can express my feelings and so forth, but in the end you can't give anyone your experiences. They just can't have yours. They have theirs. Not yours.

"we are all united in a goal of peace, prosperity, love, and appreciation of each other's gifts and abilities. Hold on to the truth of your heart and love. Know that by letting go of our personal history and stories you uncover ways that you could not see when you were egoically needing to be right. The winter is a time of sharing and coming together with loved ones. Appreciate the huge effort everyone is making during this holiday season and open your heart to a new place of generosity and grace."

So true. Let go of the restrictions, and just open up to the peace that is right there in front of you, get on the river and go for the adventure.

I was reading David Deida's Intimate Communion, and it's got some great thoughts. But one of them is echoed a bit here by Suzanne. Letting go of our personal history... Deida says pretty much the same thing. He says people get too worried about their old wounds from childhood. Everyone was wounded back then. The key to the cure is to move FORWARD. To open up to LOVE and go into Intimate Communion with someone. Take a relationship to level three. Begin that process. Instead of trying to heal the past, you heal the PRESENT BY LOVING. I thought that was profound.

Next Suzanne asks us to find a way to serve people this Christmas, and I think that's a good idea. Sometimes I go down to the homesless shelter and feed the homeless, but lately that seems off. I don't know why.

When I was a kid, maybe 18-20 years old, my friend David Smith was trying to get me to be a Mormon. He told be about the law of tithing, 10%. Well later on, I was reading another book on life by Og Mandino and he suggested tithing 10% as well, and then I read another book that mentioned the same thing. So I took my paycheck one day, and went downtown to Salt Lake City. And I took 10% out of it. And I went around to the homeless people hanging out on the street, and I asked them why they wanted money. To get food they said. So... I took orders. Really. I took orders and went to McDonalds and spent my 10% this way. I took orders and bought everyone dinner or lunch, whatever it was.

(Reflecting back on me doing this, I'm kind of amazed. Weird thing for a young kid to do).

Anyway, that's the kind of energy I'm seeking now. Service. Not just going to a preset up feed the homeless thing. I don't really feed them. I just ladel soup into a bucket. That's service of a type, but I think I'm reaching into something different. I just need to find it.

"I notice for myself that when I get scared or find myself moving into feelings of lack, all I have to do is do something for someone else. That immediately pulls me out of my personal drama. By becoming present with others I can instantly feel the huge gifts and support that I have from the universe."

I hear this all the time, and it's so true. It's weird when someone gives you love openly, just all their heart, you feel it so much, and when you give back, it takes you out of yourself. It's hard sometimes when you are depressed and stuck and stubborn. But it's good to force yourself to do it.

"In Buddhism there are two forms of merits. Merits are the plus points that you have earned from other lifetimes that support you in this life. Some call it luck. Some see it as opportunities that magically appear just when you really need them. They say you only take your good deeds and love with you when you die. That is a great incentive for me to remember to love others as fully, deeply, and openly as is appropriate for each situation and circumstance. It also reminds me that good deeds the come from my heart will accumulate in other times and show up when I need them the most. So every place I can be supportive to those suffering, I am also magically giving myself that same gift at a later time."

That's an interesting point, because as I was writing to you about my feeding the homeless from McDonalds in my youth I said to myself, what good did that do? What good did it do ME? Because I've just had such a shitload of bad luck in my life. A buckload of good luck too. That is interesting, the thought being that the only thing you can take with you is love and good deeds.

God, I'm getting tired of worrying about minor details and bullshit stuff. I seek love, and deeper love. It's what I'm being called to. I just don't know what to do about it at the moment.

Suzanne goes on about gaining abundance, and then KEEPING it. Gaining it is the easier of the two. But keeping it is harder.

So the two types of merits are: 1. Abundance merits. 2. Ability to hold on to the abundance merits.

The first one is easier to acquire. It is a merit that allows you to manifest money, wealth, opportunity, dreams, businesses, and the completion of projects and goals.

I think I have a pretty good ability to do this. But it's the second part that seems to elude me, in particular with my relationship with Jennie. As I hunger for the deep flow, I found her, but after an initial time in the flow, we got out. What's THAT about? I don't have time to dilly dally on the side of the river! I want to KEEP what I have gotten and let go and move forward. Does that make sense? Life is about working hard in the flow. Not standing on the bank fighting to get back into the flow. That's such a waste of time. The adventure is ahead, just do it already Jason!

Suzanne continues: But the second one is much more difficult to acquire and to hold on to. This one requires you to believe in yourself enough to know that you can manifest but that you also deserve and have earned to feel the abundance. Not just to give it all away but also to know that you can create safety and security for yourself and your family because you are love and you are worthy of the infinite gifts that the universe is offering to everyone all the time. It is our unworthiness that prevents us from fully enjoying our self, our life, and our abundance.

To feel that you DESERVE to have all the joy, passion, sex, adventure and love in your life. Wow. Of COURSE I deserve it. But is there not an insidious little part of me that thinks I don't? Of course. There is that part in everyone. To not just be able to serve and give, but to RECEIVE FULLY. IS there a block in me that stops me from receiving full love?

Think about it. Do I want a sexless, no affection, relationship? Nope. Not at all. I don't want it. But what part of me is not receiving that. After such abundance with Jennie, to go to being so stuck seems so deeply stupid and useless. I mean, Jennie and I had this great magic. She showered me with level three love, abundance, openness. Everything I have ever wanted, I sought for, and the universe had been trying to give to me. BAM. There it was. So why didn't we hold onto it? And YES, I'm aware that we need to MOVE FORWARD, and not get caught in the past, but I'm not talking about the past moment, but the past as BEING IN THE FLOW. That we need to return to and we just got out of the flow. Why did we do that? What part of me didn't feel worthy of the infinite gift of the universe? I mean, the universe wants me to have infinite love and the best relationship in the world. Here it is. The best. It's right here. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT NOW.

Why aren't we doing it? It doesn't make sense. It's time to jump back in the river of life!

"So this December, give of your heart and soul. Feel yourself manifesting merits for your future by openly and honestly giving your gifts. In doing that know that you are safe, supported, protected, and worthy of great things. Then allow the giving of your essence to breath life back into your being."

Give of your heart and soul. That's a great place to start.

So after all that you are thinking I'm done, right? Please be fucking done, I don't want to read anymore of this STUFF! But I aint done. No way. I need to pull a card for the day!

So what card did I pull? Of course! The Satiety Card!!!!!!! Have it all Jason! Gratitude, love, giving, and RECEIVING!!!!!!