Tuesday, March 24th, 2010

Princess of Disks

Today I pulled the Princess of Disks for my card of the day! This is the Capricorn card, with the Angel of Pregnancy and Birth! Which is kind of interesting, because this morning as I woke I was filled with a bit of sadness. You see I have always felt I was suppose to have another child. I've felt this for a long time. When Jennie and I met she felt a pull to have a child. It was weird, but I felt it too and smiled. Not that I wanted a kid per se, but I felt it was right. Suzzanne always told me I had a fourth child on my hand. Anyway, while at our Palmistry Class this weekend there was no longer a fourth child on my hand. Jennie had one child before on her hand, though it seemed blocked or something if i remember right. Not something she had to do. Now that child is totally gone.

And so for all those years... knowing I had a child waiting to come down to be with ME... and now it's gone. I am sad about it. Not going to complain though. Jennie is Jennie. She felt it once, and now just doesn't feel it anymore, or just doesn't want it. And that is that. But I won't hide that I feel a sense of loss and sadness. Who knows, maybe I'll end up adopting a kid in some weird way, so that that child can still come down. But right now it looks like he/she is going to someone else. That's what it feels like.

I failed her/him. (I guess I feel it's a her right now).

So I pull the Pregnancy Birth card today! After feeling that so strongly! Kind of cool.

The positive qualities of this card is the process of giving birth to children, to new ideas, to new possibilities. I now have the new possibility of my future without that child. That might be cool, in that I don't have to be 'tied down' to it but I can't pretend I see that as a 'real' positive. Having a child would have been cool. I could have raised her right, and not had to see her suffer like my first three children have suffered. You know, raise a kid when you are older, and hopefully know more and do a better job! Plus it would have been great to see Jennie have a child, she would have made a great mother. I guess it will be an experience I can perhaps have in a future life, or maybe had in a previous life. It would have been weird being with a woman who was a good mother to her children and stuck with them. To have that family like that is a big part of the hole in my heart.

This just means I need to focus more on the three kids I have. I can't let them go so that I could make it up with another child. Now I have to focus on them, and I think that IS a good thing!!! Tonight I'm going to spend some time with them on the 7 Habits again. GRIN!

Okay, more on the card, you didn't read this to hear about my 'lost' child! This card is about a gentle person, at peace with being who she is, and with the human condition. Sensitive. Protective, independent, and full of life. Surrendered to the natural processes within herself. She holds much compassion and understanding of other's problems and their weaknesses. She tries not to judge others and stays grounded.

That is cool. Not sure if that is someone I will meet today (I don't think I have so far today) or if it's qualities I need to incorporate into myself!!! It is time to become calma nd blaanced in whatever I am choosing to give birth to in my life. If I do'nt find calm and balance, I'll be miserable! Not only should I live, but to live FULLY.

That is a good line, because lately I have been filled with this very thought. Jennie and I sometimes get off track, and it's just life. It's good, but it isn't what I was meant to do. I'm not content with level 2. I just don't like it. I am not made for it. It's too easy and it leads to us being unhappy. I'm willing to make the effort to live exceptionally! I wish I had gone to Vegas. That's what I should have done. I felt it but let things sidetrack me. I will miss some opportunities down there for my business and for personal growth and challenge. I feel bad I didn't go, but nothing to be done now.

We did seal up the going to Hawaii trip! That's exciting!

Am I present in life? Fully breathing in what life has to offer? This is so David Deida. This is what I read about last night and thought about all night long and today. Am I willing to see my own failings and know I am not perfect? Opportunities abound and change is happening as we speak! Fortunate in the ways of Jobs and Money! MAke changes NOW to make more money down the road!

It is a Maybe card!