Monthly Meeting

Jennie and I went to Suzzanne's house last night for our monthly meeting with a group of other psychics. Last night one woman talked about buying a house or not buying a house, and another woman discussed the sistuation of her 85 year old mother's upcoming surgery, and her sister. These were interesting things which we pulled cards for. Then Jennie got to talk and she spoke plainly about her inner frustrations with her current inability to open fully and surrender in sex. BAM! This sparked a 2 hour conversation amongst the girls and me, and it was absolutely great. Suzzanne has had a lot of similar feelings and experiences, not feeling entirely comfortable around her husbands kids, and her need to authentically experience rage to get to sorrow to get to authenticity. Very powerful stuff. I have known Suzzanne for years, and I have to say as she spoke of having to feel rage I saw a window into her for the first time that was REALLY authentic. Not that she isn't authentic, but this was a part she doesn't show everyone. She suggested strongly that Jennie's psychic power is IMMENSE, but that it is tied to her sexuality 100%. And that if she's going to become a psychic and help other people with this flow, she needs to explore the dark sides of her sexuality.

In typical Aries way, I went and bought a bucketload full of tantric sex books and a bucketload full of sex toys. This caused Jennie to feel great anxiety, which of course I didn't intend, though a part of me thinks it is good to feel that anxiety because clearly, this is a place she's bumping up against. She thought I was disapointed with her, but I made it clear to her I wasn't. All I know is that if she's anxious about it, then we need to do it. Makes me remember something I think Erica Jong said in her Fear of Flying book so many years ago, that whenever she realized she was afraid to do something, that indicated to her she needed to go and do it!

This brings up a great question about the topic of sex in the first place. Why is sex taboo? Suzzanne's idea (or the one she espouses) is that the sexual force of men and women is one of the most, if not THE most powerful force in humans. And religions sought to control that. If you control a man or woman's sexual power, you control that person.

But why do we have any sexual hangups in the first place? I saw a book title that said, America's War on Sexuality. As if this CULTURE attacks sex. Does it? I think the church's have a good point on some level. I remember hearing someone say, God gave you those desires, but the idea is to control them and use them for the right purpose.

Well some people might say that's BS. But I don't. Why? Because David Deida says the exact same thing. Men have an oinking desire to have sex. Does that mean they should? No! The higher levels of maturity and being a superior man are to NOT have sex, not ejaculate all the time. Religion suggests we keep it in our pants, until the right time.

I'm not defending religion, or even being a proponent of it. I'm just talking about the concept of sexuality in our culture, which I'm sure there have been a million trees cut and turned into paper for the numerous books written on the subject. There is a part of us all that seems to have sexual hangups. All of us do. If just the hangup of not performing as well as we want.

So David Deida, Suzzanne Wagner, and many other people in the Tantric Community believe that sex is a doorway to spirituality, to finding GOD. Is this true? If we were scientists, I would say we would have to begin a long experimentation to find out. But we are also spiritualists, and we can touch our spirit, our intuition, and feel... that the answer is yes. On some level, we store all of our hurt, our wounds, our problems IN sex, and so clearing that out through sex is a way to healing, but it seems to be more than that.

Let's pull a card for the day!

TRUCE!

It's a sword card. Is it a yes or no card? It is a Maybe card.

This card is calm. Coming back to center. Integration. My parts are coming to center. I've learned some stuff, now is the time that learning will COMBINE with me. This means it's going into my tissue, my DNA, that I'm GETTING IT.

This card also speaks to letting SORROW run through me. IF you are sorrow filled, look within. That is the answer to solving sorrow. Why are you sorry? Something inside.

So if you have something happening to you, a struggle, and you want to fight it, you are going to create suffering. Here is the truce card. Come a truce with YOURSELF, and accept that this is the path. Letting go of the attachment, you come to integrate the learning.

Okay, that's interesting. Today is a day of TRUCE!

On another topic, though similar to what we have been talking about, is that Ejaculation should be converted or consciously chosen. I have felt when present with my woman (Jennie) that unbounded bliss of her feminine force. This is encompassing, and always the struggle for the man is to either die into it, or live through it. And whenever I come, it's just a short little spurt of release. It is... a little death, as the french call it. And here is the weird thing. As a man, guess what I've just done? I think about it and feel through it after it happens and the feeling is almost ALWAYS death. It's over, and my woman has SLAIN me. I'm done. I'm out. I've achieved that male consciousness of bliss, of empty void.

Think about this. If a woman has this powerful force, this feminine life force, and as a man I'm attracted to it to it, then what do I want to do with it? Well, a moth is attracted to the flame. They go and die. And a man can do the same thing. I can fuck Jennie with all my heart, but if I lose myself in her, then what am I doing? Then I'm just an animal. A moth to the flame. She spreads her legs, and I'm in like that. Bam. Rutting and fucking. And it's about me. I'm going to get something. Which is not about SHARING. Not about Giving.

Let's back up a second. What is life about? It's about giving. I teach my kids this. This is the lesson of all lessons. Love and give love. What do they say in Moulin Rouge? The greatest gift you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return. The great lesson of that movie is that Christian gives this love, and is loved truly in return, and that's the ultimate goal of that. Sure she dies, but so what. He has given everything to her and she has given everything back.

Yes, I know a sidetrack there. So when I'm making love to Jennie, if I'm not present, then where am I? It's a good question. And that is something the feminine feels, notices, immediately. Suzzane likes to call it mastery of subtle energy. The feminine is life force, but it has some characteristics. It wants to be praised. It wants to be noticed. The life force wants the focus and attention of those around it. Not just men, or woman, but everything. It wants the attention.

Jennie's feminine core wants my UNDIVIDED attention. So that means two things pertinent to this discussion. One she doesn't want me thinking of other things, like my own fantasy, or my own ejaculation. She wants me focused on her. FUCKING HER. And second, she doesn't want me to LOSE myself in here. If she can take me in, and kill me, what good am I to her?

She can't get there by herself, she needs a man's masculine energy to make her surrender, and take her to GOD. But how do you do that if my energy is focused on something else? I can't. And the feminine is good at testing the masculine. It wants CONSTANT praise and attention. It's not always going to get it, but it wants it. And so she tests. I've seen her do it all the time.

And so when I saw consciously choose ejaculation, or convert it, this is what I mean. Through life I have always felt women seek to kill me. They want my dick limp, my life force gone, and they try and pull that from me. Why? I think it's to test me. Yes there are women who want to pleasure me. And that's great. They get their turn to focus on me and bring me somewhere I can't go by myself. But that's not the nature of the feminine. Jennie wants to be taken, she's not too interested in taking me anywhere. And she tests me, like all women have before, in some way or another. And when I do NOT come, and focus on her, then she has an easier time surrendering into life force.

It is amazing how many times men can learn this lesson over and over. It's so easy to get lost in sex, and having your orgasm. And the tougher part, which is just like God smiling and laughing at you, is that the MORE the woman opens, the more you want to lose yourself in her! And you can't. You stay present. I am the rock in the storm. I stand in the center of Jennie's feminine core, insider her darkness, and just stand here. I'm just THERE. I don't get lost. I don't die in it. I LIVE THROUGH.

How do you think I'm going to LIVE through dying? When I die, My soul could get lost in desires like sex, drugs, alcohol, food, whatever. There are spirits trapped on this plane. Worried about things. But if I want to LIVE through dying, I have to be clear, present. When I die, and this body shucks it's mortal coil, I stand firm, I watch the coming light, and open to the experience of dying FULLY, but with my attention fully focused. I don't lose myself.

And so when I die, I will still be me, and travel onto the next plane of existence, where there will be more and different challengs to tackle.