May 5th, 2013 - Sunday - Disappointment

May 5th, 2013 - Sunday – Disappointment

Well my good friends on the journey, how did you deal with your disappointment yesterday?  Because we got the exact same card reversed today…  That suggests that somewhere inside… we are hurting, but are not feeling it.  Not allowing it in.  Not experiencing it.  We are closing down and shielding ourselves from something.  Someone has hurt you.  Something isn’t going your way.  And you are pretending it’s all right.  Shielding yourself from admitting it.

And the card is offering a little advice:  Open to it.  Feel it.  Accept how badly you have been hurt.  I had an experience once, after my wife died, where I idolized her somewhat.  I tried to be honest about my wife’s faults, especially as I raised our three children by myself, but I also tried to minimize the pain I felt over the whole situation.  I soldiered on.  I kept going.

Two years later, I had a break down.  It was a long time coming, but I realized in one single crystal clear moment… I was HURT.  This shocked me.  Two years later, you think you are okay.  But it opened my heart and went BOOM. I was a wreck for a whole day. I couldn't stop FEELING it.  It just rolled through me over and over again.  I had heard of people storing grief and it building in their body, but I was more used to seeing it come out as ‘anger’.  But this just came out a pure grief and disappointment.

I don’t know that you can ‘force’ yourself to just open and feel that way. I’m really glad it happened to me because once all that grief was gone, I was honest about how hurt I had been, things really did change.  And I've learned a lot since then, and one of the things I’ve learned is to do my best to stay open in my heart at all times and feel everything that happens as an ongoing process.  No more shields.

I’m not talking about being a cry-baby.  I can hear some of you saying you don’t want to wear your heart on your sleeve.  But that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about opening your heart and feeling everything… but you don’t have to show that.  You can walk through a crowd of people hurt as hell, and no one has to know.  You are just open, feeling it.  You aren't pretending things are good, you are admitting they aren't, and feeling it.

And like I said yesterday, you don’t need to label it, and endlessly think about.  You just need to feel it.  That’s what this card is really saying, and it’s saying it twice.